How to Masturbate Without Porn

Welcome to Down to Find Out, a column in which Sột Soạt addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. See more in sotsoat.com, search in website keyword ”Sex”.

Q: I’ve never masturbated before and would like to try, but I’m not comfortable watching porn at the moment. Are there other ways to stimulate myself without it? How do I become more comfortable with it? I’d also be really appreciative if you could talk about the societal guilt that surrounds watching porn. Thank you!—Emilia, 17

See also: Porn lover

A: Welp, Emilia, you’re in luck: As a teen who didn’t truly learn how to masturbate until junior year of high school (after I’d had sex, even), I sympathize with your bewilderment.

I first realized I didn’t know how to masturbate at age 15, when I resolved to have my first orgasm. “All I get is sore,” I groused to my diary. “I can’t get wet or anything from my own hands, so I guess I am doing something wrong.” When I finally figured it out, my experiences were 100% Pornhub-free. You’re talking to someone old enough to remember when smartphones weren’t around and porn wasn’t at everyone’s fingertips. Until high school, the most exposure I’d had was a couple of erotica books I found in my parents’ collection and a public access channel in New York City that played soft-core porn after 10 p.m.

Read this: How to Masturbate If You Have a Penis: 12 Tips and Techniques

The answer to your first question is, unequivocally: Yes, there are ways to stimulate and arouse yourself without porn. The first step to learning how to masturbate without porn is to make time to explore any sexual feelings or fantasies you might have. That could mean turning off the light while lying in bed touching yourself, or curling up on the couch fully-clothed with a diary, or spending a few extra minutes in the bathtub—as long as you’re comfortable and in private. The point is to give yourself some mental space, without putting pressure on yourself to have an actual orgasm.

How do you get those fantasies flowing? You don’t mention in your question whether or not you’ve had sexual experiences with others, or even whether you’ve had crushes, but if you have: Ruminate on those. Pick out the best parts, even if they were only flashes of pleasure and excitement. Then let your thoughts go further. Try to stretch your desires beyond your past experiences and immediate affections, to something you’d hypothetically want if you had the opportunity. Weird, unexpected images might flash into your brain, and not all of them are going to do it for you. You can always steer your mind back to the more appealing visuals and scenarios.

See also: Porn

Also, just because you’re not comfortable with straight-up pornographic images doesn’t mean your fantasies need to be completely unassisted. Some of my first jolts of sexual arousal happened far more innocently, like watching a kissing scene from my favorite TV show or reading a racy passage in a book. If you feel comfortable with it, audio porn is a great way to let your imagination run wild without being confronted with hardcore images. Written erotica can be very titillating, either in the dead tree form or on the internet—Literotica has been around for years and boasts a huge database, so it might be a great place to start. YouTube is also a treasure trove of sexy (yet non-pornographic) clips from shows and movies; if you find it hot, chances are others have, too.

Finally, a word about porn: It’s okay if you never decide to look at it, but your hunch about societal guilt is correct. Many people feel shame about consuming porn for some of the same reasons they feel shame about sex in general: Our society is often loath to endorse nudity, experimentation, or sexual pleasure. Not only that, porn can replicate and enforce misogyny, racism, and harmful stereotypes—much like other mass media. Some people do feel that porn holds a negative place in their lives, and porn should also never be used for sex education. But, as long as it’s legal, there’s nothing inherently shameful about looking at pornographic videos or images. When and if you’re ready, there are many ethical porn options to explore; Reina Gattuso has some good suggestions here.

See now: Link

Regardless of how you’re fantasizing, you should feel free to follow your body’s intuition. Touch yourself anywhere you want—sure, the classic targets are the vulva or breasts, but you can also explore your own torso, your neck, your inner thigh, your hairline. Try being on your back, on your stomach, on your side, standing up. Pay attention to how your body reacts throughout this process, and not just your nether regions. (Is your heartbeat speeding up? Is your face flushed?) The first step to sexual pleasure is being relaxed and present—it’s not necessarily about the kinds of explosive climaxes you see in pop culture (or, yes, porn). In retrospect, this is what stressed me out back when I was 15; I was so goal-oriented that I couldn’t enjoy bodily exploration in its own right.

But, okay, what if you do want to have an orgasm? I don’t blame you, they’re great. Since you’re a vulva-owner, this orgasm is very likely going to originate from touching or rubbing your clitoris, a small, extremely sensitive organ, one quarter of which protrudes under a hood of skin just above your urethra. (Here is a visual, in case you’re confused.) Once you’re warmed up, put more focused energy on this tiny part of you. Experiment with more or less pressure, direct or indirect stimulation. And don’t rush! (While Emilia indicated to me in a separate message that she has a vulva, penis-owners can find tips on how to masturbate here).

Let’s say you reach a point where you’re feeling pleasure, but you’re not quite sure what an orgasm is “supposed” to feel like. This is a common frustration, so here’s when I’m gonna get real with you: You might want to try a vibrator. Many vulva-havers (including me) think it’s the easiest, most direct way to have an orgasm, and even if you don’t use it every single time you masturbate, it’s a great way to experience that specific, intense pleasure everyone’s making a fuss about. And since we’re talking about learning how to masturbate without porn, a vibrator is also a great way to get you aroused with or without a visual aid.

I wish you luck on your journey, but this bears repeating: Don’t worry too much! Masturbation is an indispensable life skill. Ideally, this will become a corner of your life and routine that feels safe, positive, and fulfilling. Putting pressure on yourself will only get in the way of that.